Once Upon a Time
by Ellex
Summary: I'll tell you a story if you promise not to cry, he heard over the radio.


Once Upon a Time

by Ellex

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Stargate: Atlantis is not owned by me, nor do I make any material profit from this story.

Warning for a little bit of toilet humor.

* * *

_A story? You want me to tell you a story? We're lost in the woods, at night, with no supplies, and I'm the only adult here. We'll probably be dead of exposure by morning if we're not eaten by wild animals, and you want me to tell you a story?_

_No, no, please don't cry, I'm sure we'll be rescued. Colonel Sheppard will find us. No, really, I'm certain of it. Virtually certain. Just stop crying._

_Please?_

_Oh, all right. I'll tell you a story if you all promise not to cry._

_No, you may not sit in my lap. If we're attacked by…something…I'll need my lap free. Nonono, I don't think we're going to be attacked by something, I'm saying, just in case, you know? It never hurts to be prepared, although how I could possibly have been prepared for this...look, everything will be fine. Now, make yourselves comfortable – as comfortable as you can, considering we're in the middle of the woods. Don't get too close to the fire, you idiot!_

_Are you all settled? Good. Now shut up and listen, and no interruptions._

_Let's see…_

_Once upon a time –_

_What do you mean, what does that mean? It's 'once upon a time', it doesn't mean anything, it's how all these stories start. No more interruptions, I'm serious. Now, where were we? Ah yes._

_Once upon a time, on a world far, far away from here, there lived a handsome, brilliant man named…Rodney Hood. He and his good friend, Colonel Little John, lived in a city called Sherwood, ruled by the wise and beautiful Maid Elizabeth._

_Every day Rodney Hood and Colonel Little John, along with their friends…um, let me see…oh well, we'll just call them Ronon and Teyla, I don't remember the story that well. Anyways, every day, or maybe it only seemed like every day, they went through the Stargate – oh, ah, you call it the Ring of the Ancestors, right? – they went through the Ring of the Ancestors to, to, to steal from the Wraith and give to the poor._

_What did they steal? Oh, well, people. They stole back the people the Wraith had taken and returned them to their homes. Or at least, took them someplace where they could make new homes. If the people were still alive, that is, and sometimes they couldn't save them and were lucky if they could get away with blowing up the Hiveships, and sometimes they were just lucky to get away with their own lives._

_But at any rate, they tried. Rodney Hood and Colonel Little John, that is. They really did try._

_And that wasn't all they did. Once, there was an evil black cloud loose in the city of Sherwood. Some dumb kid had wandered off and found a, a mysterious box, and instead of leaving it for the adults, he had to mess with it. Next thing you know, there's this energy-sucking black thing haring around while everyone's searching for the kid. Which should be a lesson to you all: don't go wandering off in strange places, and don't open any mysterious boxes. Or touch anything if you don't know what it is._

_Now, fortunately for the people of Sherwood, Rodney Hood had found a device that made him invulnerable. When he put it on, no one could hurt him. He even got his friend, Colonel Little John, to throw him off a balc- uh, a roof. And he wasn't hurt at all. The only problem was that he couldn't figure out how to get the thing off, and the field it generated was permeable only by oxygen – that is, he couldn't eat or drink anything through it. So he thought he was going to die of dehydration._

_Oh, dehydration means – look, he thought he was going to die of thirst._

_Anyways…_

OOOOOOOOOO

Carson Beckett paused just outside the PuddleJumper. He'd thought, just for a moment, that he'd heard Rodney's voice – but Rodney was several hundred miles away, the victim of an Asgard transport beam malfunction. They had been helping to evacuate this planet's population from an impending Wraith attack, when the Hiveship showed up earlier than predicted and the Daedalus had been forced to try to draw the Hive away from the planet.

Just a few minutes ago, they'd received word from Atlantis that the Daedalus had successfully destroyed the Hiveship, but was currently dead in the water. Repairs were expected to be completed within hours, but in the meantime, McKay was lost somewhere on the planet, stranded in the middle of the vast forest that covered most of the continent, along with some dozen small children who had gotten separated from their families during the evacuation. They could probably have found them with the sensors on the PuddleJumper, but it would take hours – by which time the Daedalus would be back. And there was no guarantee that, even if they found Rodney and the children first, they could find a safe place to land the Jumper in the dense woodland, particularly on a pitch-black, moonless night.

"Colonel Sheppard?"

Carson stepped onto the ramp and made his way towards the cockpit of the small craft. Sheppard was slumped in the pilot's seat, elbows propped on his knees, his hands over his face. The doctor was shocked to see his shoulders shaking slightly.

"Colonel – son, don't take on so! Rodney'll be just fine, you'll see. We'll fly out there and fetch him and those kids in the morning. We don't even have to worry about exposure – it's fairly warm out there tonight, and there's not a cloud in the sky."

John raised his head to meet Carson's worried gaze – the man was smiling! Grinning from ear to ear, like he hadn't a care in the world!

"Doc, you've gotta hear this. It's McKay – I managed to patch into his radio through the 'Jumper, and it must be busted, because he can't hear me, but I can hear every word he says."

OOOOOOOOOO

_Finally, Rodney Hood came up with a brilliant plan to lure the evil black cloud through the Stargate – the Ring of the Ancestors – with a naquadah generator._

_You don't need to know what a naquadah generator is, suffice to say that the evil black cloud thought it was pretty tasty._

_But the plan almost didn't work, because the cart they put the generator on was, um, was stuck. It wouldn't roll through the Gate – the Ring, I mean._

_So he put on the personal shield, took a deep breath, and bravely went down **inside** the evil black cloud to grab the naquadah generator and throw it through the Ring, and when he did, the black cloud followed it, and Atla- Sherwood, I mean, was safe._

_No, no, I wasn't – I mean, Rodney Hood wasn't scared at all. Actually, it was kind of pretty inside the black cloud. There were these little translucent blobs floating around, with electrical sparks coming from them. But there was no air to breathe inside the black cloud, so Rodney Hood fai- uh, he passed out momentarily, and when he woke up, his friends were standing around him, and they were all very happy that he was okay._

_Yes, it was pretty brave of him. But Rodney Hood is a – a hero, you know?_

_Now you've had your story, so go to sleep._

_You want **another** story? I'm pretty sure you're only supposed to get one._

_Oh, for – okay, okay, I'll tell you another story. Yes, a story about Rodney Hood. You really like him, huh?_

_Alright. So, um, one time, Rodney Hood and his friends went to this planet looking for a lost treasure of the Ancients – the Ancestors, I mean, to help them fight the Wraith. There was a puzzle that would lead them to the treasure, and largely due to Rodney Hood's brilliance, they were able to find all the pieces, which led them to a cave, a hidden temple, but the treasure wasn't there. Then their old enemy, the, uh, Sheriff of Kolya showed up, wanting the treasure for himself. Rodney Hood was very brave, and he volunteered to go with the evil Sheriff to help him find the treasure._

_What's a Sheriff? It's, um, it's a warrior. A leader. Someone who is supposed to uphold the law, but Kolya – the Sheriff of Kolya, that is, was evil and he just wanted more power for himself._

_Well, I'm not going to tell you **now** if we found the treasure, just listen to the story and you'll see, won't you?_

OOOOOOOOOO

"Doc? Doc, it's morning, wake up."

The insistent voice pulled Carson out of a disturbing dream in which Rodney, dressed in green tunic and tights, brandished a sword in one hand while holding Elizabeth Weir, resplendent in a cream-colored silk gown, in the other.

"Errol Flynn, eat yer heart out," he groaned, prying his eyes open. Sheppard grinned and held out a cup of hot liquid and a power bar, which Carson accepted with alacrity. "Coffee? Bless you, Colonel."

"It's only instant, but hey, when you've spent the night in a PuddleJumper seat, caffeine is caffeine, right?" Sheppard settled into the pilot's seat with his own cup. "I guess I know what you've been dreaming about, _Friar_ Carson."

He nearly spit out the mouthful of coffee he'd just taken, but managed to swallow it instead. "_Friar Carson!_" he choked. "What has that lunatic been saying about me?"

"Not that much, actually. McKay didn't finish telling that story before the kids fell asleep, and then he nodded off too. I could hear him snoring." Slugging back the last of his own coffee, Sheppard peered out of the Jumper's windshield. "The sun's coming up, Doc, and the Daedalus is back. The transport beam isn't online yet, but they've pinpointed Rodney's location, and they said there's a clearing big enough to put the Jumper down nearby. Ready to go fetch our wayward astrophysicist back before he dies of little kid cooties?"

Carson snorted. "The way he tells it, he's more allergic to small children than he is to lemons. Just let me…how did Ronon put it…spend a penny on the one-eyed snake?" He set the cup and the power bar on the 'dashboard' and stepped to the back of the Jumper.

"Yeah, I've got to get the Marines to stop telling him Earth slang," Sheppard said. "He picked up the swear words fast enough, but some of the other stuff gets a little garbled in translation."

Moments later, the 'snake' drained and Carson's bladder feeling much smaller, they were in the air and skimming over the trees.

"So nothing happened during the night?" Beckett asked. "No wild animals, no Wraith, no children being sick all over a certain scientist who takes astonishing liberties with classic stories?"

"Nope. I kinda dozed off myself for a bit, but I had the volume turned up on the radio so I'd hear it if anything happened. Just a lot of snoring. He told them about some of the other stuff we've done, mentioned you a couple of times – believe me, you got off easy with 'Friar Carson'. He made Zelenka into Prince John."

Carson tried to muffle a snicker. "So who was Richard the Lionheart?"

"Caldwell, although I think it was kind of by default, and he wasn't exactly complimentary about it. He was trying to describe a lion to the kids, and – well, apparently he saw some Discovery Channel special on them at some point or another that really stuck with him, because he knows far more about lions than an astrophysicist should." Sheppard checked the HUD and slowed the craft. "Looks like we're here."

It only took about ten minutes of tromping through the quiet, pre-dawn forest to find the exact spot the Daedalus had directed them to. Weak beams of sunlight filtered through the trees to illuminate the wayward Canadian.

Leaning back against a tree, McKay's chin rested on his chest, the focal point of a puppy pile of children who slept around and on top of him. The fire had burnt itself to ashes a while ago, but they seemed to be warm and comfortable, snuggled close together to share body heat.

Carson had to put his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing out loud, but Sheppard leaned in and hissed, "Hey, Rodney! Wake up, McKay!"

One bleary eye cracked open, and the snoring lessened slightly as one of the contributors awoke.

"Whuzz," he muttered, sniffled, and pried the other eye open. "Sheppard?"

"Nope. It's Colonel Little John and Friar Carson. How's it going, Rodney Hood? Ready to take these Merry Men home?"

The blue eyes opened wide. "Oh my god. You _heard_ me?"

"Yep." Sheppard reached into a pocket of his tac vest and pulled out a digital camera. "Believe me, it was one of the most entertaining things I've heard in a long time." He snapped a picture. "And now I have proof that you aren't actually as bad with kids as you claim to be."

Rodney scowled, but didn't move. "Yes, well – desperate times, desperate measures, Sheppard." His chin came up in a familiar gesture of wounded pride. "I'd like to see how well you'd do. You'd probably tell them horror stories and give them nightmares."

"He's got a point, Colonel," Carson said, smiling. "Who knows – years from now, perhaps one of these wee bairns might tell their own children the story of Rodney Hood and Colonel Little John."

One of the 'wee bairns', who'd woken up without the adults noticing, had the last word. "And Friar Carson!"

fin


End file.
